Not Wasted Time. But Rather Needed Time.

I must say this whole thing has all been an experience. Thats the only thing I can really say about it. Moving to Utah. Making myself believe that I hated almost every minute of it. My mind has been telling me this the second I got out of that car. But for the first time I see how much love and enjoyment I have had this whole time. That feeling of love has come from my heart which I have ignored until now.

There is something about me that has changed. I am still the lovable giddy Cera, but some of the things that I used to accept are for some reason not right to me anymore. I dont see how people live their lives the way I used to. I have no desire to go back. I have felt such love from family and seen reasons for things. Answers to questions I have had for months.

Questions as.. Why did I ever come out here? Why do I have to deal with this? Why did the lord put me right in the middle of a place I dont want to be in?
Well in little ways he has shown me light. This is the first time I have seen how much the lord really knows me. I have always said that the lord knows me better then anyone, but never actually experienced anything that shows me his plans for me.
This time I have. I came out here on a limb. With a helping hand for my family. I felt as though I was taken advantage of and they took the whole arm, not just my hand. Then aferward have left me to fend for myself. Which may or may not have been the case but it really was for a reason. It sounds weird but though all of this and much more experience the lord has shown me how families are really supposed to be. The way I have grown up...with a broken family isnt the way its ment to be. This was to show me how to make a family work and last. To choose things for myself, yes. But for my family at the same time. I see it and I know now that I need that foundation and love to begin my own family. To marry and have children some day. The life for me and them.

I have always said that I need to trust in the lord. I havent really known what that truly means until now. I know now how to truly trust in the lord. I know that he really does have plans for me. And in hard times there really is light at the end of each trial.

I believe that this was not wasted time at all for my life, but rather needed time in my life.
Needed for me to succeed. Needed for me to realize happiness. Needed for me to see truth.
I know this life isnt rainbows and hasnt been and wont be from here on out, but I most definitely know what is right for me now. I was looking for happiness in the wrong places. Happiness sometimes is right in front of you when you dont even realize it.

It's Time To Find My Future.

Sometimes I just have really nothing to say or write about. And for some reason the past week I havent felt the need to say anything on my facebook or my blog. Feels like what i have already said has gotten to the people that have needed to read it.
This past few weeks I have been very content. Yes I have had my stressed moments. Where reality hits me and I am stuck in a black hole for a minute until I see a little bit of light again. My life feels as though it should be completely falling into pieces, but for some reason, as i have said before, I dont feel that way at all. It makes me feel very accomplished. I have everything opened up to me. I can do whatever I want with my life now.
I can say that and thats such a good feeling, but at the same time... I cant say that I know exactly what I want to do with it. I know I will find what I love and make it into a career. I just have to put some thought into it.

Through a little bit of thought. I have started to feel as though my mind hasnt been where it needs to be. It always seems to be in a virtual world. Its real, But very unreal at the same time. I have thought a little bit about temporarily suspending my facebook account. I may do this or just stay off facebook for a few weeks at a time. Or I may reconsider because of people that i only associate with through facebook.  Family and such. Just to give me some time to get reattatched with the real world. I will be able to concentrate on my life to get me started in the right direction.

My mind seems to wonder. And the more it does it the more time passes. I feel as though i have wasted so much time reading status' and junk...when in the long run it wont matter for my life. Those that i just read 10 mintues ago arent gonna matter in 5 years. What i plan and what schools I apply for.... thats what is going to matter. After i leave Utah.... Cera is going to be changing dramatically. Its time to find my future.

My Little World of Happiness

I have never been a person to write. I've started journals many times, but always quit by the third entry. In fact this is the first time I've had a blog. When I turned twenty I began writing my thoughts and feelings in a small journal. I counldn't stop. It was like a little addiction. Every few days I would add another entry. Until I came to Utah and there seemed to be way too much time and nothing to write about. But I see now there is always something on my mind, always something to say. always something to write. I cant seem to write enough. 
My status' on facebook seem to be updated constantly. I get a quote or lyrics or my own thoughts that have previously been written down. They all seem so perfect... until I find yet another that I love. 

My mother loved to write, read, and paint. It seemed to keep her thoughts off of her life. and in her dreams. I saw how much she loved it. It was a whole different world for her. One project after another. From painting cookie jars to writing childrens stories. The joy just seemed to radiate from her while she was at work on her projects. I miss seeing that happiness. And all the love that she put into it all. It seemed as though to come straight from the heavens above. It always brings back such memories when i see or read the things she created.  It brings me home. To my true home. With her.

I have always told myself that I will never walk in my mothers footsteps. I will look at her life and not make the same mistakes as she did. Learn from experience without actually experiencing it myself. I have already started this a few years back. Started out making my life...MY life. No one elses. No one to tell me how to live it, what profession to choose, or even who to love. It is still something i struggle with daily but I have full intentions to make this life fully MY choice.
On the other hand i do want to follow in my mothers footsteps. Even when her world was crashing down around her, she always knew how to keep herself happy in her on little world of happiness. I have that wanting to find "my little world of happiness"

Because of my poor writing habbits, bad grammar, and all of that.. I never had the desire to write anything. But for the past week or two something has come over me.
I have a full desire to write a novel. That has never been a want of me before. But i have all intentions of trying the challenge. Maybe this book needs to be written. Maybe its words that need to be heard or read by someone. I dont know the reasoning for my wanting to do this. It might be words needing to be said that were silenced forever. This is a way those words can get out. Maybe this is those words coming from heaven through me in My Little World of Happiness.

Angels Watching Over Me.

I seem to be kicking myself today. Just like I did yesterday and the day before. But today somehow seemed different from any other. I woke up and couldnt seem to keep my eyes open. but made myself anyway. There was something about today that was different.


The normal morning routine was in act. All of the cousins were already out the door and to school. Aunt and Uncle finishing up breakfast and ready to take off out the door. Everyone wished me a good day and much love. Uncle Kevin was the last one to do so. but before running out the door he turned around and told me  "Be happy today. Dont worry about anything. Please have a happy day. I know you need it."
It was simple to tell me that before walking out the door. And took no effort at all. Something so small and so simple completely opened my eyes and made my day bright. He knew all I needed was a little encouragement.


I have seemed to forget about being happy on a daily basis because I have in my mind that I am not happy at this point in my life. but it is only a state of mind. I can be happy whenever and wherever.
That all plays into the choices I make. and the people I associate with.


There was a big conversation I had the other day that went into the people we associate with. The way they desribed it was think of being in the ocean. A person can either help you keep your head above the water. Or they pull you under where you cant breathe. Are you going to allow that person to continue to keep you under or are you going to cut the rope or your association with that person.
I have those people that I allow to pull me under water every day. Although there are many people that keep me up. Isn't it harder to keep someone above the water while there are others who are pulling them under?


Though my mind is still running 90 to nothing and feeling like I have ran smack into a brick wall. I was and still am determined to have a happy day. Despite those people that pull me under the water.


At some moments I cant help but smile. May it be a memory or a little something someone says to me or just a good feeling I get. But its those few little smiles that have kept me from bursting tears. On the deep deep inside of me I feel I may be falling into pieces. but for some reason on the other part of the inside I'm not falling. I'm smiling. I'm whole. I'm happy. Happy I have the world at my grasp. Happy I can now begin my life. Seems as though those little random smiles are sent to me. Sent in the form of Angels Watching Over Me.