I Will...

Its the last night of 2012.. Tonight Ive been thinking back on everything that has happened this year. Ive laughed, cried, learned to love, gotten hurt, lost friends, gained friends, worked like crazy, and the list could go on. This year has changed me. Im not really sure if its for the best.. But changed is the only real word that describes this year. Like I said in my last post..Next year is a new chapter. Its a new section of my story. And a time that I am going to grow out of this and grow into happiness.

This month I was asked to write down my goals. I postponed this because I wanted to avoid the worry and thinking about the things that I still havent done since I turned 18. It seemed easier to just not worry about all of it. But..the more I think about it..its needed. I need to face the difficulty. I need to work for myself. For my happiness.

In 2013.....

• I will get into college. Wherever that college may be.
• I will have a job that I enjoy.
• I will consentrate on myself. Find myself. 
• I will work on my finances.

Off the top of my head that is what I want. Those are some of the things I WILL DO. I cant stand what I have let myself turn into. A lazy depressed girl who cant seem to get her life straightened out. I always put everything off and take the easy way out. Why is that. I used to make decisions for myself and follow through with it. If I had my mind set on it...it was done in a good amount of time. When things go wrong in my life..my mind seems to bring my mom back into the equation. Its been over 7 years. Everyone else seems to be moved on. Whats my problem..
For example..Christmas always is a horrible time of year for me. Im not at all blaming this on my mom, but since she died I have felt very alone..especially around the holidays. Now in front of everyone I always put a smile on my face and act like nothing is bothering me. This year was just like every other. I cracked..and asked my sister what the deal is. Why is it that I cant get through Christmas without absolutely braking down.  It turned out that she has done the same thing. Up until about 2 years ago.. when she realized that she doesnt want her daughter to remember Christmas this way. So she used her daughters happiness to make herself happy during the holidays. But for me..I dont have that. I dont have a daughter to magically make everything okay. I dont have a husband to cheer me up and love me for me. Its up to me to make me happy and love me for me.. and this year I didnt do a very good job of it. I had happy moments but over all... I ended up losing my boyfriend, not starting school, getting behind on my finances, and coveting other peoples lives. I know its wrong. I would get so angry when people would get married or say that they are pregnant. In my mind I would feel like they dont deserve a baby right now or that I want to be getting married. I thought these things. It seems like everyone else has their life all planned out. Except me.

With that said..I know the Lord wont just hand it all to me or just give me the answers. Its up to me to make my life grow. I had a conversation with a person I am very close to..She told me that our lives are like a test and the Lord Jesus is the teacher. Think of it in a classroom setting.. The teacher prepares and teaches everything that the students need to know for the test. Then when the test comes the teacher watches and is there for support, but does not give answers and does not walk you through the test. It is your responibility to take your knowledge and finish the test with the best of your ability. I try to live everyday knowing this.

So overall..No. Im not completely happy right now. But I do have my next chapter still waiting for me to live it. And who knows I may find my kind of happiness in the strangest places or at the weirdest time. But I WILL find it. Its not my time. Not yet anyway. Who knows 2013 may be my year. Lets leave it in the Lords hands for now.