So Simple.

Ive been sitting here with an empty page for about an hour. My mind bursting with words to come out yet Im speechless. The cycle of my emotions are coming around the corner again. Its the corner that have been waiting for. Since before I can remember...yesterday I smiled just to simply smile. I took some me time that was desperately needed. Its been more then a year since Ive been able to do that. It felt extremely good.

There are times you scream out because you can. Laugh not because anything is funny, just because your simply happy. And I experienced that yesterday. I drove out of town without a destination. Cleared my head and just felt free. I had no one that I had to answer to. I was free to go and do whatever I wanted and I didnt have to explain why I drove 45 minutes out of the way. I did it for me. 

That is the time to blast the radio and enjoy the music completely for what its worth. Dance to the beat acting like the person in the car next to you isnt watching. :)

It felt like I had no care in the world. All of my problems and stress were gone..for the moment. I know everything doesnt just disappear, but for a moment in my day it all did. I felt like a little kid that plays and laughs like no one is watching. Its like they are having the time of their life with a best friend, as they talk to the wind. That was me yesterday. And the first time in over a year I felt alive. I havent felt alive in so long.

Who am I? Where have I gone?

A few weeks ago I had hit rock bottom. I had taken that same drive that I took yesterday. Yet that first trip was the complete opposite. Uncontrollably crying and screaming why my life is the way it is. Thinking why do I have to walk through life alone. Without my bestfriend. After my mom died, my focus turned to comforting and helping every other person I could think of. Me time was pushed out of my mind and my life. My whole world was gone. Me time was gone.

Life as I knew it..even now hasnt changed.. I am the same person. I have just grown a little but Im still on the same road that I have been on. Just like that child who plays and laughs like no one is watching and talks to their bestfriend..Thats me talking to the wind. Talking to my bestfriend. My mom is always there. Even if I have to look like a crazy little kid and talk to air. Im okay with that because I know its her. For the first time in almost 8 years.. Yesterday. I was laughing with her. Dancing with her. Singing to the radio with her. And lastly smiling because I had her presents with me without even realizing it.

Things happen in our lives. We may not understand or know why or even realize it. But when we do realize it. Its one of the best feelings in the world. At that moment it all seems So Simple.  

I can't breathe...

So as you may know I work in a hospital. I see sick and dying people everyday. My job is not the happiest place to be. It weighs on me and constantly plays with my emotions. But the accomplished feeling and the people I work with are incredible and make it worth working there. The patients I work for could have anything from a femur fracture to respiratory failure. So it's my job to keep an open mind and have compassion. Of course I have seen it all. I walk into a room and expect anything after so many times of being surprised.
I've noticed that my job is so much like my personal life now. I have been "surprised" too many times that I am numb to the fact and I walk through life expecting anything. My life surprises are weighing heavily on my emotions. I kinda feel like I can't take it anymore.
A patient may all of a sudden scream out and say that he can't breathe. Hyperventilating and screaming the man struggles and makes his body work harder to retrieve the oxygen.
Well just like that patient I feel like I'm screaming! Gasping for the breaths I need in life and my body isn't retrieving the oxygen. I can't breathe! I am so close to surrendering white flag in hand. My lifeline is the people in my life that help me through.. All of those people seem to have moved on with their kids and their husbands. I don't understand why this concept of getting married and having babies is so hard on me. Why would I care so much. Probably because my mom is gone. And I'm gasping for the oxygen or in other words the need of companionship. It's commonsense to know that you need oxygen to survive. As well as needing people in your life. Needing that companionship. On the same note i am trying to keep a level head on all of this. Although the concept of fighting for oxygen makes it a little hard to keep level headed. I must keep a smile on my face and figure it all out for myself. I may just need to turn up the oxygen somehow.