Back to Square One.

My mind is running 90 to nothing. As it seems to be doing a lot lately. I keep thinking about where I want to be in the near future and what I want to be doing. I feel very lost in this big old world. Just like I have since i was very young. I see my self achieving so many great things.

I have faith in myself, but something comes over me and doesnt let me go. Its like the enemy wants me to fail. like he wants to see me fall everytime. Well doesnt he want to see everyone fall? Of course I know the answer is Yes. He seems to put those thoughts in my head. The thoughts that make me think 
I am too lost to be found. But am I really too lost to be found?
In those moments of darkness.. I always see a little bit of light no matter what. 
Its the Savior Jesus Christ. He is always beside me. Even in those moments of darkness he always keeps me safe. When I fail and fall he is always there with a smile and a hand to help me up again. 
Its like footprints in the sand. And I know no matter how strong I may look to people. There is only one set of footprints in that sand about 50% of the time. 
Utah. Family. Opertunity? Yes it all sounded wonderful. Amazing. My whole college would be paid for.. All for such a small task.. Someone once asked me the question. "When has doing something just for money ever actually worked out?" 
Well i think of it.. it really never works out. if you do things just because someone says they will give you a large amount of money in return. It usually never works out. I had to hear that question when it was way too late. I had already taken that chance. And of course it didnt work out. 
There was a conversation about how I dont have the money to leave and how I am stuck.. Well I was kindly reminded that I must remember the little things my mother taught me my whole life..
"There is always a way out. No matter what. You are never stuck. Dont ever forget that"

I may be at the bottom of the pit. in a hole that seems way way to high to climb out of. And at this very moment I should be crying. But for some reason my faith is stronger then it has been in so long.   And I see so much light and opertunity for myself. I have the world opened up to me again.
I havent had the energy, or the time, or the reason to shed one tear over this. 

Well now I have the world completely at my fingertips. The world is completely opened for me. I have so many choices I could ever want to make for myself. I can do anything that I want to with my life.
I am at those cross roads. I am exactly where I want to be right now.
I am right Back to Square One.

Other then... Merry Christmas.

Why do things have to be the way they are? why does life have to be an endless wreck?

It never really ends. we run into a wall, then pass over it and run right into another one.

Today is Christmas and I seem to have so much hate in my heart. The morning was cheerful and wonderful. but as time went on through the day it seemed to plumit quickly. I am in a hole that I seem to not be able to get out of very easily. Running through my mind has been... i hate this place. i hate everything that i deal with. i hate how strong i always have to be. i hate that its not fair that i dont have my mom like everyone else does. only one person in the world knows me like she did. i hate how i am torn from her family this year. the family i always spend Christmas with.  i hate christmas.... Every year i seem to cry and cry. i dread christmas day and it never should be like that. This year i didnt dread it. i was excited. just like everyother person in this stupid place. but the reality monster hit me and BAM. another tear filled Christmas....

Mom, i miss you. i miss your smile. i miss your singing. i still remember your smell. oh how i miss that. i remember you waking me up every morning with your voice ringing out. any song that came to mind. i miss harmonizing with you. and you teaching me how to make my voice ring out like yours. i never could sound as beautiful as you did. i still remember the first time i heard your voice perform. my mouth dropped in awe. i miss you brushing your fingers through my hair till i fell asleep. i miss my hair in your braids. i miss your personality. i miss my bestfriend. and i know your looking down on me everyday with a smile. knowing what is in store for me and knowing that i am going to make it through this hard time just fine. just like i have before. you know.. im going to cry. its going to happen. and i may never fully get over it. but i will put that smile on eventhough it really isnt fair and i will make it through. i really have nothing more to say.

Other then.... Merry Christmas.

To Start Things Off.

Well how should i begin? There is so many choices. umm well lets start with the moment...  

For the moment I am living in Provo,Ut. It is one of my mistakes that I made that I must now find a way out of and back on my feet.

I have a big habbit of building myself up and then making a choice that I think is for the better and it ends up only being for the worse. I trust people too much. I become blinded. In a way I become dumb.

This is not how my parents taught me to handle things. Well its not how my mom taught me. My dad is in his own world now and i am not apart of it. I simply dont mind so much. i acctually enjoy not being his center of attention.

It is always hard for me to make choices for myself. People make choices everyday.. so why is it so hard?? i guess i dont get it.. im so used to making decisions for other people and not myself. How is this going to help them? Are they going to approve?? Well i guess i just answered my own question.. I make choices for other people!

Wow im winnner. :) 

I know i can make it through this because i always seem to get myself right out of the hole i dug. No matter how deep it may be. That is one thing i took from my mom that i like. No matter how mad she got.. or how much of a mistake she made.. she always got out of it with a smile on her face. Thats mee :)

Okayy..my past.... i come from a broken family that tried so hard to hold it together. But life always keeps going and time changes people. which made everything fall apart. it seemed to be for the better in the end though. My parents split when i turned 13. I lived with mom in a broken but happy home. Until the brokenness completely tore apart. I then was forced to live with my dad. and did until the day i turned 18. when i was 15 right before my freshman year of highschool. i get a phone call with the news that my mom had died that morning. my bestfriend? gone? thats not possible.. but it was possible and very real. I held back my tears and and that next week i said my goodbyes and buried my bestfriend.

The things that went through my mind i can not explain. It was just too much for me to bare.

Its been over 5 years and it still hurts as much as that week. It will never go away. But the only thing i can do now is make my life a good one. and for my future children... make their life worth living. i want them to have a bestfriend for a mom. and a mom that they will look up to and love just as much as i love mine. 

life goes on.. and i will go on and live my life happy. it didnt start out so great but i am determinded to make it that way. It will end great! 

Alright... so me at this very moment. Its Christmas this week.. and i am about to bust out of utah. and disappoint about 70% of the family. Merry Christmas Allphin Family! :) Surprise! Cera is not your pupppet anymore! i hope you have a good one! bahahaha

Wow this is going to go over great. Wish me luck! Here in a few weeks Ill be sure to let you all know how everything goes.

"Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am way over my head. Maybe i will fall. But who isn't crazy. Who doesn't strive for high goals. And I will always get right back up.."

This quote is from my mind about a year ago. i remember the day i wrote it. and it seems to have stuck to me.

it has been on my mind so much this past week. because it shows that i am strong. it shows i am determind. It shows the real Cera.

No matter what. I know exactly who i am and i am choosing for my life.