My Love❤

I figure...sitting in the rain on a stormy night. Listening to the raindrops hit everything imaginable...is the best way to let your mind wonder and think. Well at least for me it is. 

I can't believe how much I have grown and learned. Even in this year alone. Yes you can say...I am a lesbian and this week I have heard more about lesbians and gays then I have probably in my whole life. The ban on same sex marriage has been striked down an is now awaiting trial to make it perminant. Which I don't know if it ever will. 

People just like my dad and family are the ones fighting against my, and many other gay couple's, right to be married. 

When you have been close to your family your whole life..and all of a sudden they want nothing to do with you anymore because you have come out to tell them that you are in love. 

Some of the things my own father has said and won't ever apologize for. All because of a religion that has been shoved down all of our throats our whole lives. 

Yeah those words will stick with me for the rest of my life. I will remember that on my wedding day when you think you'll be walking me down the isle...and you probably won't even be there. Because an invitation got "accidentally" stuck in the trash or "forgot" to be mailed. Or when I have my first baby..  You won't be there. Because you never got a phone call saying that I was in labor. 

Ooops sorry dad. Sorry family. All because I am too "evil" and "confused" all because "I don't know what I was thinking" 

I hope those things stick with you for the rest of your lives. 

That's all. No big. You just won't be there. Just like I won't be there for anything important in your lives. Because you think I am a sinner and I should change and be someone I am not..in your eyes. 

I have a wonderful person that loves me unconditionally. And her family loves me as if I am one of their own. I never asked for such kindness from anyone. But they took me in..without question. Now that's a family. Loves you no matter who you are or who you love. 

There are no words that can describe how much love I have for Andi. I never thought I could love a person so much in my life. I had never seen it. 

My sight of love was my parents fighting all the time. I think I only saw love on holidays or in front of extended family..

Even then it wasn't anything compared to the love I have with Andi. 

I can't wait for the day to look in her eyes and say I do. I can't wait for that day that she is holding my hand while I'm in labor with our babies. I can't wait to wake up everyday with her next to me for the rest of our lives. Even tomorrow morning. Every damn day. 

Because I LOVE her. More then life.more then anything in this world. I sure as hell chose me a good one. I love you baby. 

I am happy. And I know my mother would be nothing but happy for me. 

I know she would love Andi. And maybe one day when we all meet again in heaven she will meet and love my Andi. Just as I imagine she will. 

Stuck in the mud? Not my boot!

Life keeps moving. Time never stops. You can't let time leave you behind. 

In my mind its like walking through a big field of mud. You can't make time go faster then it will let you. The mud won't let you run faster then a walk. If you stop you may sink. If you sink deeper and deeper without moving. It's like time is leaving you behind. It's harder for you to get out of it. If you keep walking through the mud. It's like you're continuing on with life even if its tough to get out of some spots. Even if the mud makes you sink a little or a lot. Keep moving. 

Yes things happen in your life. But you are the only one who can keep moving on. It's your life. Others are there for support but its up to you. They have their own life to continue with. 

These things are coming out of my mind. And I do believe this. I see every bit of it everyday.  

As for me I have to remind myself frequently to keep walking or I will sink. I can't let myself sink. 

I have sunk before. Dwelled on the past and all it does is make unhappiness and sadness come into play. 

Sitting in public you see everyone continuing to move. Continuing with life. Even if you feel that you can't continue with walking through the mud at this time...just think every morning people get up and go to work and continue with their lives. Life goes on. Time will continue. And leave you behind. 

Stuck in the mud. 

Don't stay stuck in the mud. Pull your boot out of the sunkin hole and keep sloshing through the wet ground. Don't get left behind. 

Surrounding yourself with the people you love helps with this. Anytime you feel stuck. There is always a hand to help you pull that boot out.  

I am lucky to have that. I have a family and someone that I love that is there with a hand and a smile to help me. I thank The Lord every day for my blessings and the people he has placed in my life with love and support. As well as the people in my life..i know my mom is watching over me every day. Making sure I don't sink. Cheering me on. I know she is proud of me in everything I do. 

This life is mine. Stuck in the mud?? Not my boot! Hell no! 

Enough is Enough.

Does anyone really know when enough is enough? when do they really know when to say that it is enough??  Flat out enough... Surrender.. Hands in the air.. Throw the white flag in.. I give up..

You know.. I think everyone has that moment every once in a while. 

We make choices and sometimes they aren't the best choices. But we make them. And grow from every single one of them. 

I can't help but reflect on the past. Which I know I should watch for the future and what is coming towards me. It's hard to think of a life when you don't feel you have one. 

I think one of the hardest moments in my "life" was finding out who I am. 

Who am I? 

Who is this girl? 

Where is her "life" going? 

"Life"... what is that exactly? 

In my mind life is finding yourself first. Finding your life partner. And share the rest of your life with that person. And most important be happy. 

Well at this point i have found who i am.. yet i am still learning to love myself and sadly struggle with that daily..

In the depths of that Cera found love. A love that I thought was for the rest of my life. I was happier then I had ever been in my life. I have never opened myself up to anyone like that before. It was the first time in my life that I could say those three little words and actually mean it. To actually feel like those three little words ment something. It's hard to do that. To open up to someone and trust. And you know..My stupid mind came into play and messed it up. Ruined it. Lied. And sadly I am still regretting what I did. It makes me sad to know that I ruined something that could have been the happiness for the rest of my life. 

As humans we make mistakes. I know this. But the consequences make our minds eat us up on the inside. Rip ourselves apart in regret. How could I be so stupid?? Why would you do that? Why didn't you just tell the truth?? 

One hard thing is to forgive yourself. Forgive and forget. Cause the only person that your hurting is yourself. 

Yes these words are coming from my mind..but to actually do this is very difficult.  

This is a moment where i can say Enough is Enough Cera. It's time to forgive yourself. Show love and maybe it will find you again. Be patient. Be kind. As hard as that is to do. You have to do it. Show that you care. Be there for the one you love. As well as yourself. 

Enough. 

I know one day everything will fall into place. I know The Lord has his plan for me. I know that if I have Just a Little Bit of Faith..he will be there to guide me. 

This life is mine. And mine alone. Hopefully one day i can share my life with one person i love. Let the struggle be over. That's it Enough is Enough. 

So Simple.

Ive been sitting here with an empty page for about an hour. My mind bursting with words to come out yet Im speechless. The cycle of my emotions are coming around the corner again. Its the corner that have been waiting for. Since before I can remember...yesterday I smiled just to simply smile. I took some me time that was desperately needed. Its been more then a year since Ive been able to do that. It felt extremely good.

There are times you scream out because you can. Laugh not because anything is funny, just because your simply happy. And I experienced that yesterday. I drove out of town without a destination. Cleared my head and just felt free. I had no one that I had to answer to. I was free to go and do whatever I wanted and I didnt have to explain why I drove 45 minutes out of the way. I did it for me. 

That is the time to blast the radio and enjoy the music completely for what its worth. Dance to the beat acting like the person in the car next to you isnt watching. :)

It felt like I had no care in the world. All of my problems and stress were gone..for the moment. I know everything doesnt just disappear, but for a moment in my day it all did. I felt like a little kid that plays and laughs like no one is watching. Its like they are having the time of their life with a best friend, as they talk to the wind. That was me yesterday. And the first time in over a year I felt alive. I havent felt alive in so long.

Who am I? Where have I gone?

A few weeks ago I had hit rock bottom. I had taken that same drive that I took yesterday. Yet that first trip was the complete opposite. Uncontrollably crying and screaming why my life is the way it is. Thinking why do I have to walk through life alone. Without my bestfriend. After my mom died, my focus turned to comforting and helping every other person I could think of. Me time was pushed out of my mind and my life. My whole world was gone. Me time was gone.

Life as I knew it..even now hasnt changed.. I am the same person. I have just grown a little but Im still on the same road that I have been on. Just like that child who plays and laughs like no one is watching and talks to their bestfriend..Thats me talking to the wind. Talking to my bestfriend. My mom is always there. Even if I have to look like a crazy little kid and talk to air. Im okay with that because I know its her. For the first time in almost 8 years.. Yesterday. I was laughing with her. Dancing with her. Singing to the radio with her. And lastly smiling because I had her presents with me without even realizing it.

Things happen in our lives. We may not understand or know why or even realize it. But when we do realize it. Its one of the best feelings in the world. At that moment it all seems So Simple.  

I can't breathe...

So as you may know I work in a hospital. I see sick and dying people everyday. My job is not the happiest place to be. It weighs on me and constantly plays with my emotions. But the accomplished feeling and the people I work with are incredible and make it worth working there. The patients I work for could have anything from a femur fracture to respiratory failure. So it's my job to keep an open mind and have compassion. Of course I have seen it all. I walk into a room and expect anything after so many times of being surprised.
I've noticed that my job is so much like my personal life now. I have been "surprised" too many times that I am numb to the fact and I walk through life expecting anything. My life surprises are weighing heavily on my emotions. I kinda feel like I can't take it anymore.
A patient may all of a sudden scream out and say that he can't breathe. Hyperventilating and screaming the man struggles and makes his body work harder to retrieve the oxygen.
Well just like that patient I feel like I'm screaming! Gasping for the breaths I need in life and my body isn't retrieving the oxygen. I can't breathe! I am so close to surrendering white flag in hand. My lifeline is the people in my life that help me through.. All of those people seem to have moved on with their kids and their husbands. I don't understand why this concept of getting married and having babies is so hard on me. Why would I care so much. Probably because my mom is gone. And I'm gasping for the oxygen or in other words the need of companionship. It's commonsense to know that you need oxygen to survive. As well as needing people in your life. Needing that companionship. On the same note i am trying to keep a level head on all of this. Although the concept of fighting for oxygen makes it a little hard to keep level headed. I must keep a smile on my face and figure it all out for myself. I may just need to turn up the oxygen somehow.

I Will...

Its the last night of 2012.. Tonight Ive been thinking back on everything that has happened this year. Ive laughed, cried, learned to love, gotten hurt, lost friends, gained friends, worked like crazy, and the list could go on. This year has changed me. Im not really sure if its for the best.. But changed is the only real word that describes this year. Like I said in my last post..Next year is a new chapter. Its a new section of my story. And a time that I am going to grow out of this and grow into happiness.

This month I was asked to write down my goals. I postponed this because I wanted to avoid the worry and thinking about the things that I still havent done since I turned 18. It seemed easier to just not worry about all of it. But..the more I think about it..its needed. I need to face the difficulty. I need to work for myself. For my happiness.

In 2013.....

• I will get into college. Wherever that college may be.
• I will have a job that I enjoy.
• I will consentrate on myself. Find myself. 
• I will work on my finances.

Off the top of my head that is what I want. Those are some of the things I WILL DO. I cant stand what I have let myself turn into. A lazy depressed girl who cant seem to get her life straightened out. I always put everything off and take the easy way out. Why is that. I used to make decisions for myself and follow through with it. If I had my mind set on it...it was done in a good amount of time. When things go wrong in my life..my mind seems to bring my mom back into the equation. Its been over 7 years. Everyone else seems to be moved on. Whats my problem..
For example..Christmas always is a horrible time of year for me. Im not at all blaming this on my mom, but since she died I have felt very alone..especially around the holidays. Now in front of everyone I always put a smile on my face and act like nothing is bothering me. This year was just like every other. I cracked..and asked my sister what the deal is. Why is it that I cant get through Christmas without absolutely braking down.  It turned out that she has done the same thing. Up until about 2 years ago.. when she realized that she doesnt want her daughter to remember Christmas this way. So she used her daughters happiness to make herself happy during the holidays. But for me..I dont have that. I dont have a daughter to magically make everything okay. I dont have a husband to cheer me up and love me for me. Its up to me to make me happy and love me for me.. and this year I didnt do a very good job of it. I had happy moments but over all... I ended up losing my boyfriend, not starting school, getting behind on my finances, and coveting other peoples lives. I know its wrong. I would get so angry when people would get married or say that they are pregnant. In my mind I would feel like they dont deserve a baby right now or that I want to be getting married. I thought these things. It seems like everyone else has their life all planned out. Except me.

With that said..I know the Lord wont just hand it all to me or just give me the answers. Its up to me to make my life grow. I had a conversation with a person I am very close to..She told me that our lives are like a test and the Lord Jesus is the teacher. Think of it in a classroom setting.. The teacher prepares and teaches everything that the students need to know for the test. Then when the test comes the teacher watches and is there for support, but does not give answers and does not walk you through the test. It is your responibility to take your knowledge and finish the test with the best of your ability. I try to live everyday knowing this.

So overall..No. Im not completely happy right now. But I do have my next chapter still waiting for me to live it. And who knows I may find my kind of happiness in the strangest places or at the weirdest time. But I WILL find it. Its not my time. Not yet anyway. Who knows 2013 may be my year. Lets leave it in the Lords hands for now.

Next year.. Now that's a new chapter.

This year... I have realized that life always moves. Always goes on. Where ever you may leave it..its not going to be there if you come back for it. One thing I have learned in the past year..time changes everything. And the only ones there for you in the long run are your family. This year I've shut everyone out. Including them. I've run away to my little corner of the earth and proceeded to live my life...my way.

This year..I fell in love. Cera actually fell in love with an incredible man. A man that needs love and someone to love him..for simply just being him. He was wonderful to me. Just like any relationship we had hard times and disagreements. I would not have given that up for anything. All the hard things we went through only made us closer and stronger. But also through it all, we loved and played and enjoyed each other. With everything we went through, this man became my best friend. That's all I've ever wanted is to fall in love with my best friend.
Yet now things aren't turning out the way I've always wanted. I honor the choices he makes and his  wants and needs. I would not ever say an ill word about him or the the experience we have given each other. I am very sad to say that things change. Although I do not like the situation..I will take it the best way I can and start over.. As for him. I wish him the best in all he does. I wish that he lives a good life and he can find happiness for himself. He deserves that. He deserves the best.

Just as I have said before I want to be the woman who has absolutely no regrets. I want to be proud of what I have accomplished in my life. This year..I can say that I have absolutely no regrets and I am proud of both of us! I don't regret a single thing I've done in this relationship. There are a few things I would have done differently. Yet I can't go back in time and change them..but there are no regrets.  I've learned from this and have yet to fall in love again to make a difference in another wonderful mans life.

Truthfully I can't wait for the day I look into the mans eyes that I love and say I do. I can't wait until our future baby takes their first breath or first steps. I can't wait to share the joy of raising our children together. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with the man I love.
I did not have all of that happen to me..this year.

But my story is yet to be over. Next year... Now that's a new chapter.